Gracious hosts should not make monetary gifts
a requirement for attendance
04 September 2009

Being a gracious guest can be challenging for me. I have a sometimes troublesome (yet, entertaining -?-) habit of blurting out sharp tongued comments and one liners, especially when attending what my mother would have said to be vulgar, if not tacky events. I bite my tongue, however, as I realize that so many people just don't know any better. So, I do my best to be polite, as frustrating a practice as that can be, and simply whisper my comments to my husband. (If I didn't at least do that, I would probably spontaneously combust!)

To address the host's responsibility of exhibiting congeniality, and being genuinely cordial... What some would call "lack of breeding" aside, is the host not expected to be gracious, and set a tone as such? So far, the tone resonating for me has been one of disbelief, and distaste, bordering on pity over their ignorance. Here is the catalyst for my commentary on etiquette.

My family received an invitation to what is being heralded as almost the equivalent of a wedding, and I had pondered what sort of gift to give. I was informed that a monetary gift equal to, or greater than the amount the hosts would be paying per head for the event is expected.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

That sort of talk had been joked about over the years, but I never wanted to think that anyone truly conducted affairs in such a manner. If hosts want their guests to share in celebrating a milestone or event, then it should be done graciously. A gift of whatever amount, or worth, should be acceptable, yet not required. The gift itself is the duty of the guest. To be invited to something with the expectation that I have to pay my way to participate in the festivities is just beyond me, and, as my mother would probably have sharply pointed out, beneath me. This being a popular time for weddings prompted me to do some research, ranging from Emily Post, Anna Post, a fantastic site called Etiquette Hell, friends and family members who definitively know about such things, and even wedding planning and bridal sites. I queried it all, with the thought that I may even learn something.

My research brought me the following result. That is NOT how things are to be done. While it has become acceptable in different parts of the country, and among specific ethnic groups of certain socio-economic backgrounds, it is still not considered proper, and the practice is frowned upon. I felt vindicated, but still uncomfortable with the whole thing, as I know that this is a circumstance to be repeated with more weddings, or anniversary parties, etc.

What to do? Well, as for the upcoming party, I will be attending, and I will do my duty as a polite and sociable guest, and present myself the only way I know how. I will also put forth my very best effort to keep my comments to myself. Beyond that, I am merely hoping to enlighten (and I hope without offense) any of you on the proper way to host affairs of such significance. Do not turn them into fund raising efforts. While gifts are often anticipated, if not expected, they should be accepted as just what they are—gifts.